if i died

would anyone notice that i was gone?

Encounter

It was a frigid day and my shoulders were burning from the heavy books I carried from the parking lot across the bridge. I noticed him near the corner of the large fountain. He held his silver metal stick, trying to get a feel to where he was. He was lost.

"Excuse me," I said. He turned immediately at me with those shiny blue sports sunglasses.

"Can I help you find a place?"

As we walked, I learned that he was looking for the other fountain on campus. The sound of the metal stick tapping against the concrete sounded vaguely familiar. As we headed to the fountain that lead to the bridge that led to his dorm, he almost ran into a tree, shrubs, and stairs.

He was strikingly handsome.

"What's your name?," I asked.

"Jesus," he extended his hand. I shook it and replied, "I'm Zeina."

Our walk ended and I wished I could've walked more with him.

There are some people you meet who do not say one word to you but influence you in ways unimaginable.

I wonder if he got home safely.

Aint Boy Crazy No Mo

As of January 1st, I shall abstain from men in any form or fashion.

Exception to this declaration is extended to but not limited by long-time, established male friends and/or classmates.

I am doing this to cleanse myself of my recent (adolescent-present year) preoccupation with the beloved opposite gender.

I feel in control, impowered, and liberated.

My goal will be one year, let's see how it will go!

Mission: Possible

Life's Simple Pleasure #2

Crawing into a warm bed.

Dear X,

After our talk, I realized that your view of women is as antiquated as cavemen running around firecamps. Your comments such as, "Our women don't...(fill in blank here)" proves that you are a mysogistic bastard who deserves to dwell in a bottom-less pit of hell.

As much as I would like to say that I hate you, I won't. You are influenced by your environment, wealthy men who run around the city with their tongues dragging behind them, their minds fixed in a trance of lust.It may also be your father, who always treated your mother as sub-human, yelling at her, sometimes even striking her, for simple things like not heating the food right. You don't know this, but she (a woman) is the one who keeps your family together.

Maybe one day you will rub off the goo in your eyes and see that a woman's autonomy is necessary for a properly functioning child, that child is you.

Thank You

For showing me early on that you are not the man for me.

To Africa? or Not to Africa? that is the question

My feelings and compassion towards women with fistula continues to burn and the voice resonates inside me..."Go, Zeina, go to Niger"

My itnerary is here, the ticket is payed for, my vaccines are prepared....

and I will decline the trip tomorrow.

I have come to realize that dreams come with dangerous realities...

The risks outweigh the benefits ...I hope I am making the right decision.

Disappointment is up to my nose.

beware the leader who bangs the drums of war in order to whip the citizenry into a patriotic fervour, for patriotism is indeed a double-edged sword. It both emboldens the blood, just as it narrows the mind.

and when the drums of war reached a fever pitch and the blood boils with hate and the mind has closed, the leader will have no need in seizing the rights of citizenry. Rather, the citizenry, infused with fear and blinded with patriotism, will offer up all the rights unto the leader, and gladly so.

For all those late nights, all those early mornings, and sore necks...

you are my sweetest downfall

Another Blogging Break

Be back in a couple of months!

Almost Done

Lebanese Government?

Everyone wants to be the leader, but not enough followers.

Never Ending Road

The Pain Reflected in this Song

I didn’t mean it when I said
I didn’t love you so
I should have held on tight
I never should have let you go
I didn’t know nothing,
I was stupid, I was foolish
I was lying to myself.....
I couldn’t have fathomed
I would ever be without your love
Never imagined I’d be sitting
Here beside myself
Guess I didn’t know you
Guess I didn’t know me
But I thought I knew everything
I NEVER FELLLLLLLLLT

The feeling that I’m feeling
Now that I don’t hear your voice
Or have your touch and kiss your lips
Cause I don’t have a choice
Oh what I wouldn’t give
To have you lying by my side
Right here cause baby

When you left I lost a part of me
It’s still so hard to believe
Come back baby please 'cause
We belong together
Who else am I gonna lean on when times get rough
Who’s gonna talk to me on the phone
Till the sun comes up
Who’s gonna take your place
There ain’t nobody better
Ohhhhhhh baby baby
We belong together

I can’t sleep at night
When you are on my mind
Bobby Womack’s on the radio
Singing to me “If You Think You’re Lonely Now”
Wait a minute this is too deep, too deep
I gotta change the station
So I turn the dial tryin’ to catch a break
And then I hear Babyface
“I Only Think Of You” and it’s breakin’ my heart
I’m tryin’ to keep it together but I’m falling apart

I’m feeling all out of my element
Throwing things, crying tryin’
To figure out where the hell I went wrong
The pain reflected in this song
Ain’t even half of what I’m feeling inside
I need you, need you back in my life baby

When you left I lost a part of me
It’s still so hard to believe
Come back baby please cause
We belong together
Who else am I gonna lean on when times get rough
Who’s gonna talk to me on the phone
Till the sun comes up
Who’s gonna take your place
There ain’t nobody better
Oh baby, baby
We belong together

When you left I lost a part of me
It’s still so hard to believe
Come back baby please 'cause
We belong together
Who am I gonna lean on when times get rough
Who’s gonna talk to me till the sun comes up
Who’s gonna take your place
There ain’t nobody better
Oh baby, baby
We belong together

M. Carey

5th Floor

The 5th floor of our central library is reserved for quiet study.

Oftentimes, I hush those who think they are above the "complete silence" rule, other times I have asked a woman to leave and when she didn't, I had a librarian ask her to leave. In other words, don't mess with me, I am the LIBRARY QUEEN :)

Lately, I have been contemplating something: When i graduate this semester, I will dance in an indiscrimnate manner ontop of the 5th floor desks where I have spent years of studying..there will be music.....pictures will be taken.

Fistula

Dr. R has the most genuine intentions. It was not until we began our dinner at the conference that she presents her video about women with fistula. As I ate Talapia with mango sauce, each bite became harder to swallow. I will do something about this...

Fistula is an injury that occurs during child labor when lack of blood supply to the bladder and vagina causes tissue to die. Basically, two of the three genital orifices become one. Without any tissue, women cannot control fecal and urine excretion. They are ostracised from their families and communities because they give off a rancid smell.

About 100,000 new cases of fistula occur each year. I am really bothered by this number..it is so easy to toss around numbers..100,000 people...something must be done.

More information about Fistula

Rafa3to Rasnah

I was leaving the shopping center, when I heard her speaking Arabic, I smiled, said hello. Typical Arab exchanges where made, "Where are you from?"

I reply, "Lebanon"

She replies, "Rafa3to Rasnah" (You made us proud).

I smiled my tight smile when I disagree with a person and politely said, "Thank you"

There was so much I wanted to tell this woman. To explain to her that the Lebanese people are suffering and will continue to suffer. That a decade from now, thousands will suffer from environmentally induced cancer. That from the blood that watered the ground will blossom new fanaticism and hatred. The Lebanese government is filled with corrupt baboons, and this is an understatement.

Although pessimism will not alleviate the situation, one must agree that Arabs are extremely divided. 'Establish a business that caters to Americans, just stay away from the Arabs' is a common phrase heard amongst Arab entrepreneurs.

Personally, I find my non-Arab friends more trusting and caring than my Arab ones. This, however, is just my experience and may not reflect the behaviour of the entire Arab community.

Through It All

What hurts the most, was being so close
Having so much to say, watching you walk away